Monday, May 24, 2004


Wonderful thanks to all of you who showed up to "Speak Easy" last night. You were a small but vociferous crowd and the bartender thanks you for your generosity.

For those of you who missed it I'm posting the story I read last night in a few lines. I call it my David Foster Wallace piece without the fifty pages of footnotes.

It Takes All Kinds

How you doing? So there's a guy at the end of the bar who wants to buy you a drink if you want. Who? Um, the big guy. No, not the gym rat-looking guy. The one next to him. Yeah, Barry White over there.

Oh, don't do that. Don't crinkle your nose like you just ate a bad spring roll. He could be watching us right now. Don't look! He might notice. Hey, we both know that first impressions mean a lot, but looks can be deceiving. Well, yeah, he's big. But he's dressed well, and the couple of times I've been to the back of the bar I've noticed he smells really good. Issey Miyake, I think. Sure, if he turns a little to his left he looks like Jabba the Hut on a barstool, put that out of your mind. Look, I'm not saying that he could be an aerobic monster in bed; I'm saying that even though he may be fat, he ain't a slob. Besides, it's just a drink, not a marriage proposal. Cool, he'll be glad to hear that you took him up on the offer. Oh, don't just order a vodka cranberry; that's as bad as turning him down outright. No, don't order a Corona, either. Here, take a look at our martini menu. I'll let him know that you said yes to his offer and I'll be right back.

Hey, tiny. Everything cool over here? Cool. So I was talking to that woman at the other end of the bar and she'd really like to buy you a drink. Yeah, her!! Don't look; it'll make her uncomfortable. Hey, I just sling drinks. I don't know why she's interested in you, she just is. Look, if you have a confidence issue that's your problem, okay. Well, no one likes a skinny Santa, either. There's no middle ground. All I know is that somebody wants you to buy her a drink and that somebody just happens to be her and that somebody is waiting for you to buy her a drink. Sometimes this shit just happens. So will you buy her a drink? Cool. Wait here. I'll be back in a moment.

Well, you've been studying this for a bit. Ready for the quiz? Still don't know. Hey, I put the list together, so I recommend any one of them. Here, try this one: Spiced Chai tea martini. No, it's tasty. One of my better martinis. It's surprisingly refreshing. I think we have some soy milk in the back. No, you're not making me do too much work. I have to be behind here, anyway. Alright, chai tea martini, it is. I'll let him know.

Okay, I'm making her a martini and she'd also like to come over and talk to you. Hey, do you dance? I'm asking because there's a mambo band onstage and she has a dancer's body. Sweating? Jesus Christ, you could drop a hundred pounds and still be sweating to mambo music. Look at all those guys out there. We're going through bev naps like gym towels tonight. Don't worry about sweating. You can't dance the mambo? Oh, it's easy for men. You just lead with your hands and watch her wiggle like a wet eel. Yeah, it's like stepping, only cooler. She's not gonna embarrass you. Look, have some fatih, pal. She just let you buy her a drink. Here's how I see it. The two of you get to talking, and then you dance to a couple of numbers. From there it's a bonus even if you don't look at her the rest of the night? Why? Because every other single woman in this club would have seen you dancing with the most gorgeous woman in the club. And they're gonna think, "He's got some high self-confidence." Yeah, you'll be like a plus-sized male debutante with your pick of the litter. Okay, so I'm gonna finish this martini for her and get her to come over here.

Here you go, a spiced chai tea martini with soy milk, compliments of the gentleman of large stature at the end of the bar. It is tasty!! No, that's real chai, not some mix. So, you wanna know something else about big man at the back? He's a hell of a mambo dancer. You wouldn't think from the size of him, until you realize that the woman's doing most of the heavy lifting when dancing a mambo. All he's doing is leading you. I've seen you dance here before, you'd make a cripple a good dance partner. Personally I think you should make the next move. He bought the drink. There's reciprocation involved here. Look at it this way, if there are any guys you are interested in here and that guy sees you dancing with him, that man will think that you're approachable. No, I don't think you're approachable. Speaking as a bartender with no ulterior motive with no ulterior motive whatsoever I think that you are the hottest thing going in this bar right now. Dancing with him will do a lot to lower the blinders of everyone else. It isn't a hard decision. You need to be motoring your ass over to the other end of the bar, Sister Christian and ask him to dance after a few moments of small talk. I'll let him know.

Okay, she's coming over. Just keep the conversation simple, don't start thinking past the dance. You'll be okay. Now I need to warn you in advance that she ordered a martini that uses cream. She wanted soy milk, but I couldn't bear to tell her the truth because she had her sights set on drinking this martini. So if you notice her farting, don't let on until you get to the dance floor where she can pass it off on someone else, okay?

Well, here you are. You two are well-acquainted by now, why don't you do the formal introductions and I'll leave you alone?

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