Tuesday, July 27, 2004

A List of Republican Paradoxes

Brought to you by Betty Bowers- America's Best Christian, who reminds you to support the President even as you cast a vote to get his ass out of office this November:
  • The United States should get out of the United Nations because it is a useless institution that furthers anti-American policies. In the meantime, however, our national raison d'etre is spending thousands of lives and billions of dollars to enforce U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
  • Support for our troops is best shown by bumper stickers, festooning trees with yellow, ridiculing people who are sticklers for a justification for getting Marines killed, and using aircraft carriers and the enlisted as photogenic backdrops for partisan political opportunities. Cold, unsentimental cash, such as for veterans' benefits and combat pay, cheapens our affection for our brave boys and gals in uniform.
  • If we don't allow teachers to talk about it in schools, adolescents won't even know that sex exists until after they are safely married (in which case, they will surely come to question its existence yet again).
    It is the coming together (marriage), not the rending apart (divorce) that is most likely to undermine a marriage. After all, the biggest threat to marriage is allowing people to do it.
  • If you are an entertainer who remakes your entire career to ride the coattails of conservative jingoism all the way to the nearest bank, you are hailed as a man of principle (Tobey Keith). If, however, you mouth passing praise for someone liberal in between songs (Linda Ronstadt), you will be escorted from the stage by armed men in natty brown shirts.
  • Being a drug addict, in addition to being rather expensive, comes as a result of an inability to muster a simple "no" and is irrefutable proof of moral turpitude necessitating mandatory jail time. If, however, the junkie is either a bombastic (yet conservative) radio host or a bomb-happy President, anything more than simple prayers for recovery would be shockingly punitive.
  • Christ told us that if an enemy strikes us, we are required to forgive them and turn the other cheek. This is why savvy Christian nations work around Jesus' girly-man approach by preemptively attacking first.
  • Long-time Allies respond best to a coquettish "hard-to-get" approach from America, the ultimate alpha male in the diplomatic dating pool. After several years of harsh insults and pointed indifference, they will all swoon when we show we care by asking for troops and money.
  • Saddam Hussein (who when haplessly groomed begins to look alarmingly like Dennis Miller, only with an audience), was a good guy when Mr. Reagan armed him and Mr. Rumsfeld shook his hand, an evil guy when W's daddy verbally attacked him (but left him otherwise unscathed), a good guy (again) when Mr. Cheney's wildly resourceful company did business with him, and an evil guy (yet again) when the Prodigal Bush needed an enemy with an address.
  • If you want to provide the people of Iraq with health care, police, roads, sewers, a new power grid and education, irrespective of cost, you are a fiscally sound conservative. If, on the other hand, you want these same things for Americans, you are a tax-and-spend liberal.

The next post is number 100, and it should be a doozy if I can remember everything that happened this evening.


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