I Want to Blind Myself Right Now

Some observations from watching clips of the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape:

• When engaging in sex with an energy drink model, the God of Thunder sheathes his lightning rod.
• The God of Thunder also doesn't have the patience or courtesy of taking his boots off and just lets his pants hang around his ankles. Shannon Tweed should be so proud.
  
• At least he kept his shirt on
• I like the bustier and flip-flop combination that "Elsa," the woman in the tape, is sporting throughout.
• Simmons' tongue has the added length his dick lacks
• I always wondered if that tongue hid some funky swamp breath. Elsa turning away from Simmons' attempts to kiss her fuels that speculation.
• Sex ed instructors could probably use the clips I watched to scare teenagers into abstinence.
• Elsa has some nice ramekins for breasts
• The inclusion of Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is" makes for an ironic contrast to the passionless humping caught on tape.
• The only sex tape I would look forward to less would be one involving Ace Frehley