For My Fellow "24" Buffs Out There...

Kiefer Sutherland donning the "aviator shades of badness."


Random Jack Bauer Facts

I especially like this one:

"Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice."

I Wonder How Pitchfork Would Rate This??

David Hasselhoff singing "Hooked On A Feeling". It is as brilliant as it sounds.

Before we begin I wanted to share this bit of satire courtesy of the Buffalo Beast, that Onion clone whose "50 most loathsome people" of 2K5 I linked to yesterday:



I spent a solid part of my evening going through their archives. Trust me, it's worth it. The only issue is with copy editing, but having posted so much stuff that fell through the cracks of spell and grammar check on Chicagoist I'm not about to throw stones.

The sound of my phone ringing around 3 a.m. woke me up, and I couldn't fall back to sleep. So I grabbed the remote and started channel surfing. WGN plays "The Beverly Hillbillies" at that hour and NBC is wrapping up a classic re-run of "Saturday Night Live"- this particular episode with Martin Lawrence (back in his "Mar'in" phase) and the Crash Test Dummies as musical guests. But after the Hillbillies, around 4:30 I saw the absolute worst infomercial produced in the history of free market capitalism.

One word: Laservibe.

It wasn't so much the product itself as it was the production values of the infomercial that made this so appalling. As far as unintentional comedy goes, this has a lot:

- a middle-aged club musician with a rotting bottom plate of teeth and heavily mirrored shades guaranteeing that the Laservibe system provides a concert quality light show for a fraction of the cost

- A girl with a bad dye job and a "Barbie" trucker hat talking about how she uses the Laservibe to add spice to her parties "and stuff"

- A house music DJ who insists that he uses the Laservibe system for his gigs

- infomercial hosts who are shown openly reading from teleprompters in edits and quick cuts designed to give the infomercial an edge!!!

- after the obligatory warning not to point laser beams directly in the eyes, the Laservibe tracks a beam of light directly into the face of a black man dancing in the back of the scene

You also get the customary shots of teenaged pre-trixies bored out of their skulls listening to whatever it is that they listen to at a slumber party. But after the Laservibe is plugged in suddenly these predators-in-training are lip-synching into remote controls and hairbrushes, shaking their asses like it's spring break in Cancun, and generally giving off a sanitized vibe of possible lesbian exploration. It's as if Laservibe gave them a sexual awakening, but still in the same vein as Jimmy Stewart courting Donna Reed in "It's A Wonderful Life" (and didn't she do all the work in that movie)?

This will air yet they cancelled Arrested Development?

A Bit Late In Coming, But Worth The Read...

The fifty most loathsome people of 2005 (via The Beast)

Links For All Persuasions

You know, for somebody who makes a decent living and doesn't actually work much I have the biggest time management issues. That's why I haven't posted here in a while.

Anyhoo, I just finished reading this engaging three-part interview with original Guns 'N Roses Drummer Steven Adler over at Metal Sludge. Here's an excerpt of Adler defending turning tricks in West Hollywood at the tender age of thirteen:

"I’m not the only person who ever walked down the street and smoked a joint at 12, 13 years old, smoked a joint with someone and all of a sudden I’m getting a blow job from the guy."

He also says that he last smoked crack two months ago, that it tastes good, and that it makes you extremely horny. I'm not going to go out of my way to find out. I'll just take the word of a junkie burnout instead.

I tried to post photos about this next site last week but kept getting javascript errors, so instead I'll just say to go to www.leehotti.com right now. You won't be disappointed. Those are definitely Jersey/Yonkers Guidos; Bridgeport Guidos wouldn't dress like this.

Happy 4704!!

Sam Cooke: Babydaddy

I'm slowly working my way through Dream Boogie, Peter Guralnick's thoroughly-researched biography of Sam Cooke. I thought it would be an easier read, having read Guralnick's captivating two volume biography of Elvis Presley. Unfortunately the subject of the book comes across as highly secretive. Guralnick does his best to grasp Cooke's personality- he had access to Cooke's family archives and interviewed close personal friends that previous biographers had not- but during his lifetime Cooke made it hard for anyone to get a sense of his actual self.

Cooke played it cool, almost too cool at times. He also was capable of extreme ruthlessness and curelty, especially toward women. Cooke fathered several children out of wedlock while with the Soul Stirrers, proving once again the hypocrisy of organized religion. I guess since the women weren't married it wasn't adultery. The still-unfolding story I'm reading of his relationship with his childhood sweetheart is particularly heartbreaking in that it seems the love is unrequited; as written by Guralnick Cooke approaches the marriage as one of convenience that makes good business sense. But I'm insistent on finishing this before moving on to the other books lined up on my reading list.

Maybe I Should Sell Myself As A "Memoirist."

For more of this strip please click here

Our country is going to hell in a handbasket and people are worried that a writer lied to Oprah.

New Finds

On the advice of my downstairs neighbor I finally headed to Lush Wine and Spirits last weekend in the University Village Marketplace (known more affectionately as "Maxwell Street"). A full rundown can be found on today's Chicagoist review of the store.

In short, I'll be back.
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I sincerely feel bad for the congregation at Pilgrim Baptist Church in Bronzeville. That said, what Governor Blagojevic did today- donating up to $1 million in state funds to help Pilgrim Baptist rebuild- is a violation of the separation of church and state and a calculated political move as he seeks re-election.

It's almost enough to make me vote Republican in the fall.

A New Year's Resolution: Vote Republicans Ot Of Office

Haven't been posting to this thing in a while. Life happens, y'know. Mea culpa. And with the holidays rushing along I decided to take a bit of a break; after all I was busy writing about glögg and champagne and drinking same. Either way I had a wonderful holiday season and I hope that the few and proud who visit here do so as, well. The house is clean and all evidence of unseemly behavior has been shredded.

Unlike our elected officials, that is. They just don't give a fuck. Just think what we'd find out if the Democrats had control of Congress and supoena power. Please read that link as it summarizes thoughts I've had and voiced on the Seasoning for a while now. The stakes are indeed high, with nothing but the fate of the Constitution at stake.